Seeing Red Over Purple Pens
by Mad Dog

   Purple? Yes, purple. In a show of educational Kumbaya-ism not seen since English became Language Arts and self-esteem replaced “go to the principal’s office” as the Mantra of Discipline, teachers are dumping their red pens faster than plans for Gigli II and grading students’ papers using purple ones. They say they’re doing this because purple’s “not as scary,” “friendlier,” and “goes better with their new fall outfits.” Just kidding about the last one, though it would be a better justification than the one they’re giving, which is that marking errors in red has a “negative connotation.” Excuse me, but if you find red marks on your paper it is negative. It’s supposed to be. It means you made mistakes. And you should want to know about them. Red stands out so you can easily see it. Not to mention that teachers have been correcting in red since the 1700s without causing undue harm to billions of children. Okay, except maybe for John Wayne Gacy, Ted Bundy, and George Bush, but hey, there are exceptions to every rule.

   If the color purple is everything it’s cracked up to be, maybe the Department of Homeland Security (motto: “Scaring citizens since 2003”) should look into it. As you know, for reasons which are best explained by the word “bureaucracy,” they chose red to represent the highest security level. Now were they to actually announce a red alert, there’s no question it would cause a lot of panic, anxiety, and a run on sheet plastic and duct tape. However, were they to use purple to indicate that level, it would give the warning a red sense of authority combined with that well-known blue sense of serenity, resulting in our feeling much more relaxed when we look at the woman next door and wonder whether she’s actually pregnant or could that be a dirty bomb she’s hiding under her shirt.

   I’m sure a study’s already been launched to determine whether the use of purple pens to grade papers results in fewer self-esteem problems, higher grades, students ordering more eggplant in the cafeteria, and an increase in wearing purple while marching in the Gay Pride Parade. After all, if it can make us better, more level-headed people throughout life it’s a good thing. Who knows, it might even stop the recent rash of parking lot brawls involving old men. I mean, cranky senior citizens.

   If we’re worried about our children being harmed by red corrections, we should at least be consistent. Teachers should stop using gold and silver stars because it creates a caste system, not to mention that since stars, like our money, are no longer backed by gold, they have very little intrinsic value. Then there’s the fact that some years silver is more fashionable than gold. If silver is this year’s gold, who in their right, trendful mind would want a gold star? It would feel like you’re getting dissed instead of using a proper word like praised. Of course I may be way behind the times about this. I wouldn’t be surprised if they stopped using stars years ago, right about the same time they started insisting that every child give a Valentine’s Day card to every other child, even if they hate their guts. Hey, you wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out and unloved because there wasn’t a show of forced, unfelt affection, would you?

   While we’re at it, why not eliminate grades altogether? Low grades breed low self-esteem, and pass/fail — well, it’s just way too, uh, red. It’s downright cruel to make any child think they failed, no matter how badly they did. That’s why the new system should be pass/passable. And letter grades should only include A, B, and C. Between these suggestions and purple grading, it won’t be long before we eradicate low self-esteem, the world will be at peace, and someone will come up with a study that proves purple turns kids into serial killers. It’s enough to make you see red.

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. If you find any misakes, correct them with a red pen.