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Beauty is in the
Mirror of the Beholder
by Mad Dog
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| It’s
the job of kids to do things to themselves that look ridiculous — I
mean, individualistic. And it’s the job of parents to wonder where
they went wrong while hoping they don’t run into anyone they know on
the street when the family’s together. |
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We all like to look good.
At least we like to think we look good. Remember, beauty is not only in
the eye of the beholder, but also in the mirror. For every person who
thinks they look hot, there’s someone else who thinks they look like a
slob. We can plan our wardrobe around Glamour’s Fashion Dos and
Don’ts — paying particular attention to not wear those black bars
over our eyes — but those are only guidelines. They’re kind of like
the serving suggestion on the front of a food package — no matter how
hard you try to imitate it, yours won’t end up looking that good. You
may think so, but that doesn’t mean everyone else will. Yes, once
again subjectivity rears its ugly — or is it beautiful? — head.
Ask any parent. They’ll tell you
that walking around wearing huge baggy pants that are large enough for
three people to camp out in for the weekend with the crotch sitting just
above the knees looks silly. They’ll remind you that wearing a crop
top with pants so tight your midsection looks like an oversized muffin
top isn’t attractive. And they’ll tell you that you’ll never find
a girlfriend if you always have that hooded sweatshirt covering your
face. You’ll ask if they mean the hoodie. They’ll ask when the name
was changed. They’ll snort derisively. Some things never change.
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It’s about self-respect. This is a good quality to have,
right alongside self-esteem, self-control, and being financially
self-sufficient so you have the money to pay for the therapy needed to
gain all of the above. |
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You have to
remember that it’s the job of kids to do things to themselves that
look ridiculous — I mean, individualistic. And it’s the job of
parents to wonder where they went wrong while hoping they don’t run
into anyone they know on the street when the family’s together. This
has been going on since the first cave teen rolled up the hem of her
loincloth the minute she ambled out of the cave to meet her friends for
the day’s gathering and hunting at the cave mall. My parents thought
what I wore looked silly. Their parents probably thought what they wore
looked ridiculous. Luckily I have better taste than any of them did.
It’s
certainly not confined to kids. Adults are just as bad. Birkenstocks
with white socks are fine in the back yard but don’t cut it at the
symphony. Not even the Berkeley Symphony. Pants pulled up under the
armpits aren’t any more attractive than those drooping down to the
knees. And wearing a crop top with pants so tight your midsection looks
like an oversized muffin top doesn’t look any more attractive on you
than it does on your daughter. Probably worse. It makes you wonder if,
before they leave the house, people actually stand in front of the
mirror, turn around, give themselves a thumbs up, and say, “Damn, I
look good!”
It’s about self-respect. This is a
good quality to have, right alongside self-esteem, self-control, and
being financially self-sufficient so you have the money to pay for the
therapy needed to gain all of the above. You wouldn’t think of wearing
jeans to a formal wedding, a suit and tie on the tennis court, or a
silly wig to court, would you? Okay, maybe in England you’d do the
latter, but then their idea of comedy more often than not includes
cross-dressing, so maybe they’re a bad example in a discussion about
self-respect.
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It’s
not surprising that, after 300 years of wearing headpieces that make
Donald Trump’s hair look like an ad for L’Oreal, a group of English
lawyers is pushing to have one of Britain’s longstanding, pompous, and
meaningless traditions go the way of their empire. |
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Take English lawyers. They spend years studying hard and
practicing saying “I object, your Lordship,” and “I move to
strike, you toadie.” Then when they finally get a chance to appear in
a courtroom they have to wear a white powdered wig that makes them look
like they’re playing Louis XVI in a community theater production of Psycho.
Or Shirley Temple after she fell head first into a flour bin. The wigs,
which are made of horsehair and cost as much as $4,000 for a formal
model with curls reaching the shoulders, are supposed to command
respect, though they probably command just as many giggles. So it’s
not surprising that, after 300 years of wearing headpieces that make
Donald Trump’s hair look like an ad for L’Oreal, a group of English
lawyers is pushing to have one of Britain’s longstanding, pompous, and
meaningless traditions go the way of their empire. No, they don’t want
to get rid of the royal family, they want to do away with the wigs. If
it happens, look for a slew of them on eBay. Hey, they’ll need to pay
for the haircuts everyone will see somehow.
Maybe they should ship them here so
our children can wear them. After all, in a bid to keep them from
wearing super baggy pants and crop tops, this past week local schools
held Hat Day, Wacky Clothes Day, Pajama Day, Dress Like a Celebrity Day,
and Years From Now You’ll Feel Like An Idiot About This When Your
Parents Show Your Date The Photographs Day. White horsehair wigs would
have come in handy. The kids had fun, the parents were stressed every
morning when they were told it was a special dress-up day and nothing
had been planned, and the teachers said it built self-esteem,
particularly for them since they didn’t have to wear silly clothes and
feel foolish. Hey, at least it was better than some of the clothes the
kids would have worn. Their parents thought so, anyway.
©2006 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them
while wearing something hot.
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