Johnny Kant Spel Gud
by Mad Dog
Spelling bees are
now an official sport, so you can expect to see one in the 2004 Summer
Olympics in Athens.
annual National Spelling Bee was held recently and 13-year-old Pratyush
Buddiga of Colorado Springs, CO won it by spelling his name correctly.
Just kidding. Actually he misspelled it, but since he managed to spell
prospicience they gave him the trophy anyway. Prospicience, in case you
canít find it in your Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary
because, well, itís not in there, means foresight. As in having the
foresight to study the list of 4,000 words they commonly use. Thatís
words they use in spelling bees, not real life. Face it, nobody walks
around saying words like prospicience and morigeration in public unless
they enjoy having the crap kicked out of them.
Buddiga beat out contestants from every state
except Vermont and Utah, which didnít send anyone. That says a lot
about those states though Iím not going to say what that is lest I get
inundated by hate mail from a few zillion sap drained maple trees and
Mormons. He walked away with $12,000, an engraved cup, a copy of the Encyclopaedia
Britannica, $1000 U.S. Savings Bond, and a bunch of reference books
which Iím sure heíll proofread and send back with his corrections.
He also got to be on TV since ESPN televised the finals. Yes, this means
spelling bees are now an official sport, so you can expect to see one in
the 2004 Summer Olympics in Athens. Of course being the first time it
wonít have an event of its own, it will be part of the New Pentathlon,
sandwiched in between the Frisbee Toss, the Playstation Marathon, the
Hacky Sack Relay, and Downhill Speed Remote Control Clicking.
for the Hooked on Phonics Generation. Itís quick! Itís easy! And it
saves letters, which is not only energy efficient but also
||Itís nice to know that
there are kids who think good spelling is important in life. After all,
not every kid will grow up to be like Seattle Mariners pitcher Jeff
Nelson, who auctioned off a bone chip from his elbow for $23,000. True
he gave the money to charity, but thatís only because he doesnít
have enough time as it is to count the great big piles of sports bucks
heís raking in. The truth is, most children will end up having to work
for a living, and spelling, like math, geography, and coming up with new
excuses to take a sick day on the Friday before a three-day weekend will
be an important skill to have.
ďBut we have spellcheckers now,Ē youíre
probably typing, hoping your computer knows that spellchecker is one
word. True, but not only are computers so dumb that they donít know
the difference between there, their, and theyíre, but todayís New
and Improved Rebellious Hip Spellingsô completely elude them. For
example, U2 isnít just a band whose lead singer goes on State
Department tours of Africa with the Treasury Secretary, itís also the
approved reply to the compliment, ďU r 1 hella kewl grrl!Ē
Yes, itís spelling for the Hooked on Phonics
Generation. Itís quick! Itís easy! And it saves letters, which is
not only energy efficient but also environmentally correct since you can
recycle the unused letters in words that really need them, like
intelligence, impression, and employment. Though in its defense, the new
spelling has a royal lineage since Prince was one of the earliest
proponents of it, having written songs including When 2 R in Love,
I Would Die 4 U, and Tell Me How U Want 2 B Done. Thatís
Prince the musician, not Prince Charles, who may actually use words like
prospicience and morigeration. And not get his butt kicked, though
thatís only because his bodyguards are there to protect him.
Cheeses priced! Eye doughnut wont two bee sill he, butt eye
wood knot no watt two tail ewe has un ant sir.
||Xtreme is another popular
new spelling of a good old word. It started out as an adjective to
describe really edgy, out there, fringe sports but is now so hip, cool,
and underground that (True Fact alert!) you can get Xtreme Right Guard
deodorant, Xtreme3 shaving razors, and X-treme Jell-O. Ads say it will
ďX-Cite Your Kids with X-treme FlavorsĒ like green apple, wild
berry, andógasp!ówatermelon. Thatís the Jell-O, not the razor
blades or deodorant. Maybe Iím a bit too old for their marketing, but
watermelon Jell-O just sounds so-o-o-o X-treme. Yeah, right.
This raises a whole new problemówhatís the
correct spelling of a made up word like Xtreme? Is it hyphenated or not?
Is it correct to put numbers after it like a sequel? How about putting
them be4 a word, like 2morrow, 1derful, or 4get, as in ď4get it, this
is 2 complicated 4 meĒ? This is important. After all, how can we
expect our children to grow up to be president if they canít spell?
Okay, aside from having a father who was president before them, which
would mean that weíll only have Bushes, Carters, Fords, and Clintons
in office from now on.
Cheeses priced! Eye doughnut wont two bee sill he,
butt eye wood knot no watt two tail ewe has un ant sir. May bee eff yule
lettuce, wee Ken due a bet her job off tea chin. Oar may bee knot. Won
thing 4 shore, my Eddy toreís spell Czech her his go wing knots rite
©2002 Mad Dog
Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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