Let Them Eat Twinkies
by Mad Dog

   That Twinkies are actually considered to be food is another well-known urban legend. They are, after all, made from 27 different ingredients not counting unnamed flavors (artificial and natural), five possible hydrogenated vegetable and/or animal shortenings (axle grease luckily being a mineral shortening), and a secret combination of three leavenings. With no dairy to be found. This is not to say Twinkies don't help build strong bodies at least one way — in width. To give them credit, they do contain five vitamins and minerals embedded in the enriched flour, not to mention lactylate, sodium stearoyl, and other ingredients found in better chemistry sets everywhere. If 60 Minutes did an expose on this they'd call it spiking. If Court TV did a story on it they'd call it shocking. If Anna Nicole Smith looked into it she'd call it hors d’oeurves. Perspective is a wonderful thing.

   But what are these vaguely cake-like things which I can’t get past my teeth, no matter whether I try them straight, fried, or as the company’s web site suggests, as Twinkie Sushi, Twinkie Tacos, or Twinkie-misu?  Leave it to a couple of college students to answer this question. After all, what else is there to do while wasting big piles of your parents' hard earned bucks other than investigate the complexities of Twinkies? And don’t give me any of that “study” stuff, either.

   Actually these students were putting their spare time to better use than Kenneth Dent, who while attending Bessemer State Technical College in Bessemer, AL, allegedly used the skills he learned — not to mention the school’s printing press — to turn out $82,000 in counterfeit bills. The main difference between his science project and the one from the Rice University students is that the Secret Service isn't too concerned about the results of some Twinkie tests. On the other hand, you'd be hard pressed to fool your waitress at the Waffle House by paying her in Twinkies. Okay, maybe the Waffle House is a bad example.

   The first revelation the Rice students uncovered was that Twinkies won't burn unless doused with alcohol. This will stop, once and for all, those nasty stories about spontaneous Twinkie combustion. The budding young Mr. Wizards then discovered that Twinkies swell to twice their size when immersed in water (hence the "sponge" in Golden Sponge Cakes with Creamy Filling), that they contain 68% air and 32% stuff like mono and diglycerides, and that they're so soft and puffy they can be dropped from a 6th floor window with virtually no damage, much like Kirstie Alley.

   So how do we explain these varying results? Gordon claims the "creamy filling" is different. Different than what he doesn't say. Others might wonder whether advances in microwave oven technology could be the culprit. Either way there's one thing that hasn't changed — college students still have way too much time on their hands. And considering that surveys continue to show that 80% of young adults can't figure out a bus schedule, compute the change they should receive from a purchase, or understand a newspaper article, it's a safe bet I could say anything I want about their lame asses and only 2 in 10 will know I'm giving them a hard time.

   So the next time you're about to wrap your mouth around a Twinkie brand "Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling" remember two things. First, it's very important to get a college education if you want to succeed in life. And second, alligators don't really live in the New York City sewer system. They've all moved to the upper West Side.

NOTE: If you want to check out the complete original findings of these Rice University masters of modern science, head to: www.twinkiesproject.com

©2005 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
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