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Christmas Gift Guide 2004
by Mad Dog


It’s time to stop wondering which one is Harry and which one is David and get ready for this year’s Christmas gift suggestions.
‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving and all through the house, everyone’s ready for Christmas and I’m feeling left out. I know, it’s sad but true. I haven’t eaten the first bite of turkey and already I feel like I’m way behind on this Christmas thing. Stores have had displays up since Labor Day. The first holiday TV ads showed up the day after the World Series ended — red socks for Christmas anyone? And now it turns out my brother and his wife have not only finished their shopping, wrapped the gifts, addressed their Christmas cards, and decorated their house, they’ve also exchanged gifts, returned them to the store twice and, as if that isn’t enough, decided that the day after Thanksgiving would be a great time to start shopping for Christmas 2005. And you wonder why I feel like such a slug?

   If you’re anything like me, and for your sake I hope the resemblance is purely superficial, you haven’t made out your list yet. Okay, you haven’t even thought about making out a list. But there’s no need to panic. I’m here to make life easy for you. I’ve gone through — I mean, thrown out — the 472 advertising circulars in today’s newspaper and come up with the best of the best. So just cut out this list, take it with you when you finally get around to shopping, and in the meantime, keep stringing that jerky garland for the Christmas tree while watching It’s a Wonderful Life for the umpteenth time wishing that for once Clarence would mind his own damned business and go romp around heaven with Della Reese like any smart angel would. That’s right, it’s time to stop wondering which one is Harry and which one is David and get ready for this year’s Christmas gift suggestions.


We all have someone on our Christmas list who’s a practical joker. You know, like Uncle Ernie with his hand buzzer, cigarette load, and dribble condom. This year there’s a new gag gift on the market — the exploding cell phone. 
That’s St. Paul, not Mrs. Paul – Okay, the grilled cheese sandwich with an image of the Virgin Mary that was up for sale on eBay would have been the perfect gift for that special someone with inflated moral values who lives in a red state, but alas, you were too busy waiting in line for the first showing of Tim Allen’s annual Christmas crap movie and an online casino snatched it out from under you. For a bargain basement price of $28,000, no less. So what do you send now, another Cliff’s Notes Bible with a “Sorry your parents didn’t practice abstinence” greeting card? Nope, not this year. If you hurry you can still bid on the fish stick with a charred image of Jesus on it which an Ontario, Canada man is selling on eBay. Bidding started at $5,000 and, after one day, there have been no bids. But don’t dally, you only have until December 1st.

Therapeutic Chocolates - While it’s true nothing says “I couldn’t pull myself away from the Ashlee Simpson Karaoke Christmas Special long enough to think of anything appropriate to get you” as much as a box of chocolates, with just a little explanation your loved one will realize that you did this because you care. That’s because it turns out that chocolate is not only a mood elevator, more effective than Midol, and a not-so-sneaky way to beg for sex, it’s also a healthy alternative to tofu. It’s true. In recent years studies have shown that eating dark chocolate can lower your blood pressure and reduce the risk of a heart attack, that men who eat three chocolate bars a month live nearly a year longer than those who don’t, and recently, that an ingredient in chocolate may be better than codeine to stop persistent coughs. Face it, there’s no better way to sneakily beg for sex than to feign caring about someone’s health. Besides, with luck you’ll get to eat a few pieces.

Fun and games (Part I) – We all have someone on our Christmas list who’s a practical joker. You know, like Uncle Ernie with his hand buzzer, cigarette load, and dribble condom. This year there’s a new gag gift on the market — the exploding cell phone. That’s right, according to the Consumer Product Safety Commission (motto: “Saving you from yourself”) there were 83 reports of cell phones exploding or catching fire in the past two years, mostly because of bad batteries, bad chargers, or unpaid cell phone bills. Imagine the look on a loved one’s face when they say “This phone’s da bomb” and it is! A real laff riot for all ages.


If there’s someone on your list who already has all the hot gifts for this year — Halo 2, Ugg boots, an iPod, and the YOUniverse ATM Machine Bank for capitalistic kids — don’t give up hope. You can brighten their day with synthetic urine.
Mile High Blind Date – Are you having trouble finding something for that single person on your list who makes you absolutely crazy because they’re so happy and carefree and you’re not? Give them a plane ticket. I’m not advocating you get rid of them, after all it’s Christmas and you need to be good or you won’t get any presents, but seriously, this could help them get hitched. According to a survey by a credit card company that will go unnamed because they refused to reduce the exorbitant interest rate they charge me in return for a blatant and gratuitous plug, nearly one in four Americans flying this holiday season hope the person sitting next to them will end up as a date or spouse. And you thought falling asleep and drooling all over your tray table was a turn-off. If those odds aren’t good enough, you might want to clinch the deal by buying them a BMW. A survey in a German car magazine found that men who drive BMWs have sex more often than those who drive any other make of car. Interestingly, some of the lowest were Porsche drivers, lower even than those who drive a Hyundai. Talk about embarrassing. To ensure the best gift results, you might want to give a plane ticket-BMW combo package. And set aside a date for the wedding. Oh yeah, and one for your bankruptcy hearing, too.

Fun and games – Part II - Finally, if there’s someone on your list who already has all the hot gifts for this year — Halo 2, Ugg boots, an iPod, and the YOUniverse ATM Machine Bank for capitalistic kids — don’t give up hope. You can brighten their day with synthetic urine from Dyna-Tek Industries of Lanexa, KS. It doesn’t need to be refrigerated, doesn’t smell, doesn’t foam, and has a catchy name, Surine. Although it’s designed for researchers who don’t drink enough water, it has plenty of uses around the home. Okay, a few. But just to be safe, give it to someone who’s creative and I’m sure they’ll figure out something to do with it.

   That should take care of your shopping for another year. Now you’ll have more time to deck the halls with something new, dig up that mistletoe belt buckle and put it on a larger belt, and focus on what the holiday season is all about — Putting the “X” back in Xmas. Have a good one!

©2004 Mad Dog Productions, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
These columns appear in better newspapers across the country. Read them instead of doing your Christmas shopping.

 

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