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Off The Road with Mad Dog
You don't have to go somewhere to talk about it. Hell, we all
talk about Mars yet none of us have been there. Unless, of course, you're a man, in
which case that's where you came from. Or maybe that's Venus. I forget.
Anyway, I suspect men really come from Uranus, but that shouldn't surprise you, you
probably saw that coming from a mile away.
Rules for Eating on the Road - Eating
on the road doesn't have to be left up to fate, good fortune, and the gods of salmonella
and Maalox. You just have to know where to look and what to order. Whether you’re in
another country or another state, finding a place to eat and choosing your meal can be a
challenge. I’m here to make this a little less daunting.
It’s The Culture, Stupid - People
in other countries aren’t like us. That's what's known as a mixed blessing. On
the one hand we can take pride in the fact that we didn’t come up with the concept of
eating raw fish, idolizing Jerry Lewis, or dancing to a band which features tuba-players
in leather shorts. Then again, we have Reese’s Peanut Butter Puffs cereal, Pauley
Shore, and Marilyn Manson.
Why Americans Get A Bad Rap
- People in other countries have a bad attitude when it comes to
Americans. For some reason we’re pegged as ill-informed, loud, boorish, demanding,
and arrogant. Right, like we don’t have a good reason to be. Let’s not forget
who it was that came up with the light bulb, the transistor, the computer chip, and the
Talking Nanny Doll, a 12"-tall Barbie replacement that comes with two outfits, a
hairbrush, and spouts three Fran Drescherisms in the most obnoxious, whiny voice this side
of Flatbush Brooklyn.
Playing Tourist - It’s sure going to be nice when they phase in the Eurodollar. Finally
we won’t have to worry about changing one set of money that doesn’t fit in our
wallet for another as we travel through Europe. Now if they’d only switch to Eurotime
along with it we’d be in heaven. Well, assuming heaven’s a member of the
European Community.
Inspecting Customs - In Ireland on
St. Patrick’s Day, the Irish go to church and thank St. Patrick, their patron saint,
for driving the snakes out of their homeland. Here in the United States we celebrate St.
Patrick’s Day by throwing parades and parties and giving thanks to the inventors of
green dye and potable alcohol. Somehow it would seem more appropriate if we celebrated
Clare of Assisi Day and Bernadine of Siena Day, who are the patron saints of television
and advertising.
It's Only Rock 'n Roll, N'est Pas? - The French have done
it again. No, they haven't posthumously re-elected Charles de Gaulle as President, though
judging by the current state of affairs over there it wouldn't be surprising. Or a bad
idea. Rather, in their quest to maintain that much admired Gaulish purity and
thigh-quivering sexy accent, the government has moved to eliminate non-French music from
the airwaves. Okay, they haven't banned it completely, but they did declare that from now
on 40 percent of the music played on the radio must be in French.
Hey! Who Moved The Arctic Circle? - For years scientists have known that her continents are sagging, her ocean
floor has dropped, and her youthful figure has given way to a shape that would drive
Richard Simmons to tears, something normally reserved for David Letterman. But now
they’ve made a more startling discovery: Howard Stern can drive Richard Simmons to
tears too. Actually, they’ve known this for years. The real news is that the Arctic
Circle has moved.
Wind-up
Romance - Scientists all over the world may retire now,
safe in the knowledge that their probing minds and tinkering hands are no longer needed,
for the ultimate invention has been created. Yes, after putting up with such bogus
technological advances as the light bulb, the telephone and the Flow-Bee haircutting
system, we can all sleep better at night knowing that any day now we'll be able to buy a
wind-up radio that can help us find a wife.
Brand New Roadside Attractions - Terrapin
Station, the planned ode to the Grateful Dead, will have a museum, a concert hall, an
amusement park, a research center, a hotel, and a very big first aid station specializing
in drug overdoses. They expect to have 1.2 million people dropping a year. I mean,
dropping by a year.
